WHAT’S COOKIN’ AT THE TORT?

Calling us “The Tort” has never caught on, but I’m going to keep saying it in the hopes it will. With that said, here’s the latest Cal Tort scoop. (Look–I’ve already abandoned my quest.)

We’re going mobile! That is right, we are rolling out a mobile app for Burrito Elito this month! No more pulling your Burrito Elito card out of your bra, trying to remember the fake name you used when you first signed up or wrestling your co-worker’s Burrito Elito card out of the cashier’s hand as he or she tries to diabolically get the points for your meal. Just whip out your ever-present phone and use the new Burrito Elito app.

We want to help you raise money! Have kids in school? On a sports team? Part of a charity? Looking to raise funds for a worthy cause? Like monkeys? (That one I’m just curious about.) California Tortilla would love to help. We’ve raised thousands upon thousands of dollars for different causes over the years with Cal Tort Spirit Nights. It’s easy, it’s fun and it’s delicious. To schedule a spirit night or get more details, click here.

We’ve got online ordering! It’s quick, it’s convenient and it’s delicious. (Everything we do is delicious.) Just click here for online ordering and check out how easy it is.

SO THAT’S WHAT IT’S CALLED

In the past we’ve identified certain medical conditions that can occur from eating at California Tortilla, but we’ve never had a definitive answer on how to overcome those conditions. Until now. After extensive research (much of it involving invading your privacy) we have solutions for even the toughest problems. Ready?

Traumatic Table Turmoil: This is the feeling of utter despair you get when you’re in line and you realize that the one open table you’ve had your eye on has been taken.

Solution: Sit on the offending party’s laps. This is guaranteed to make them move–or call the police. Either way they’ll get up.

Obsessive Compulsive Brownie Behavior: This is when you feel you must go through each and every brownie several times over, trying to decide which one is the best, most chocolately.

Solution: Before purchasing a brownie, take a bite out of each one.

Ticket Out of Order Panic Disorder: This is the panicky feeling you get when a ticket number higher than yours is called and you’re sure that since we’ve gone past your number we’ll refuse to make your order, even though you’ve already paid for it.

Solution: Remember that you got a quesadilla which takes a few minutes longer than other orders because we need to cook it first – and that in most states it is against the law for a retailer to take your money without giving you anything in return.

Legumeaphobia: This is the irrational fear that instead of pushing the “no beans” button, the cashier will push a button that says, “Make with extra beans and make sure they’re really mushy.”

Solution: Unfortunately, you’ll just have to live with this fear for the rest of your life. Welcome to my world.

So there you have it, folks–solutions for medical conditions that you never even knew existed.